12:00 AM January 1st 2010, Happy New Year! That's what people say at New Years right? They share warm embracing hugs with friends, a kiss with the person they love most and enjoy the company of others around them. They're not sitting all alone with a bottle of Jack Daniel's on a cold couch with a Christmas tree piercing their shoulder, watching their holiday spirit burn up in smoke. Their definitely not out of their minds, depressed over worst-case scenarios in dead silence with immense feelings of guilt and regret over a once productive life. I didn't speak to a single person that day, I thought “Why should I ruin their fucking New Year.”
This was the peak of my addiction. I became so empty, lost and caught up in the darkness that I started to resemble Gollum in Lord of the Rings when it came to drugs. To me they were the best things happening in my life, they brought me to a place where I felt alive and could escape the pain I was feeling. They became my precious. At first they were a source of socialization where I would interact with others, but like the One Ring I was consumed by them and they just welcomed the negativity through my front door. They slowly and surely started taking over my dreams, my goals, my emotions and most importantly my will. I started to become addicted and was doing them not to be social but to cure boredom and convince myself I was doing something productive with my life. I was too scared to admit to my parents and to myself that my college career and life were going nowhere, so I experimented with harder substances to further hide my pain. This was by far the worst thing I could have ever done. I lost control at that moment and there was nothing I could do about it. I wasn't getting high anymore, it was the fear that was controlling me. Those little thrills I used to experience were laughable, and it was not a funny laugh. Once the fear controls you it magnifies everything wrong and brushes off everything good. You want to do good but some voice in your mind is constantly turning you in the opposite direction and lying about everything. You try not to listen, but it defeats you and you eventually give in. It stabs loved one's in the back and breaks their hearts and I was oblivious to it all. My will was broken, I was digging a deeper grave for myself, the workload was getting harder and the sweat was dripping off my face. Because once your will is defeated, you can believe anything and be dragged anywhere from whatever voices you hear and it is truly terrifying.
I knew I needed a change. For too long, I gave up on the three things which always brought me love and happiness: music, literature and workouts. These three forms of art always gave me a sense of belonging and a high which was never duplicated and they were absent from my life. I was buried alive down in the depths of hell, looking to the heavens, begging for a way out. I honestly believe an outer-force heard my pleas for help and directed me to a place where I never thought to look: myself. I could not change and improve my health for my family, for my idols or for my friends like I had been trying too. I had to change because I deeply wanted to. The change had to be organic. Something happened to me where I started to miss my earlier levels of confidence and power. I was damn sick and tired of living like a mouse. The lion inside me had to find his roar in order to reclaim his throne as king of the jungle. However, in order to reclaim my life I had to conquer the obstacles and monsters that I let trample and disfigure me along the way which I was too frightened to face previously.
For me, change one was eliminating the parasites who I used to call “friends.” I knew if I could weed them out, I could find the people who really do care for me and who I care for back. Rediscover that lost art of compassion. However, the change did not happen overnight. I was by myself for many nights and sometimes the loneliness got the best of me and I relapsed into old habits. But now I knew I was on the right path, cause the things that used to make me feel so good, now made me whimper and brought over a sense of shame and despise. In my mind, which I was slowly winning back, these substances were labeled as “Enemy.” I began to second guess my choices. Monster one was defeated, I was back in the drivers seat, the drugs did not control my life anymore. I saw the sun.
I now learned how to defeat monster two which was the loneliness. I dedicated myself everyday to making smarter choices. I practiced bass guitar every morning until my fingertips were so raw and bloodied they looked disfigured. I spent the rest of my hours in the gym, building not only my physical but mental toughness and in between enjoying time with my family taking my dogs on long hikes through the woods discovering nature. At night I read as long as my eyes would stay open. The sun was rising.
Monster three was whom I was dreading most. It was admitting to others my mistakes and opening up. Opening up, and not hiding feelings was something I struggled with since as far back as I could remember. It was not the manly thing to do. Men are supposed to hide their emotions on the inside and be tough as nails on the outside. Well, I was great at that and look where it got me, so this change was vital to my recovery. I remember taking a deep breath and telling my parents that I saw no future for myself in physical therapy and I wanted to write and explore. To my absolute astonishment, they were beyond supportive of my life decision. I could guarantee the look on my face was the definition of a Kodak moment. I have not hammered the final nail in the coffin for this monster, many of my true friends still do not know my real story and still believe the lies I fed them countless times. Nevertheless, I could see the sun.
Life is a journey, and it is going to test you. It does not matter what background you come from, whether you were born with a silver spoon in your mouth or not. Life does not care and it will test your will and try to break it. It will throw various obstacles in your path at blinding moments to see what you are made of and how thick your skin is. Nothing is going to always be perfect, it takes work and determination to achieve your dreams. You have to strive and be willing to break your back and bleed for whatever you want to accomplish. Running away will not cure anything, it only makes things worse, because you're delaying the inevitable and building it up in your head. Every person on this earth is geared up for this long journey and you have to be sharp and on your toes at all times if you want to keep up and succeed. The most important thing in life is to wake up everyday and be proud of the person staring back at you in the mirror. Good things are not handed to us and they do not come to those who wait, you must really want them and be ready to seize them for yourself, or be left with nothing. The best things in life never come easy and like Dante Alighieri you have to go through hell in order to reach heaven. Well, I have and I can now say I realize that life is beautiful.
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